Being told you’ve messed up is never a good feeling. It makes your stomach drop. If we, as grown-ups, struggle to keep a straight face when a boss picks apart our work, imagine how it feels for a seven-year-old. Their emotional skin is paper-thin, and they often can’t tell the difference between “this work needs changing” and “you are not good enough.” However, learning to take a bit of advice on the chin without falling apart is massive. It is the difference between giving up and getting better.
It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It
If a child feels attacked, the shutters come down. Bang. End of conversation. You have to be clever about it. Don’t harp on about the mistake; look at what happens next. Think of it as “feedforward.”
Instead of saying, “You made a right mess of that painting,” try something like, “That blue is brilliant. If you wipe the brush on the pot next time, it won’t drip everywhere.” You aren’t telling them they are bad at art; you are giving them a cheat code to be better. When they see your words help them win, whether that’s scoring a goal or baking a cake that doesn’t taste like cardboard, they stop seeing advice as a telling-off. They start seeing it as a strategy.
They Are Watching You
You are being watched. Constantly. If you snap at your partner for criticising your parking, or huff and stomp about when you burn the dinner, the children see it. They learn that being defensive is the normal reaction to getting things wrong.
You have to swallow your pride. Narrate your own slip-ups. “Oh, I didn’t check the timer. My fault. I’ll do it differently tomorrow.” It shows that the world doesn’t end just because you aren’t perfect. This is doubly important if you care for children with a fostering agency. Foster children might be used to adults shouting or reacting badly to stress. Seeing a carer handle a blunder with a shrug and a smile can be a proper revelation for them. It proves that in your house, mistakes are just learning opportunities, not reasons for a crisis.
Timing is Everything
The old ‘compliment sandwich’ is a classic for a reason. Good stuff, correction, good stuff. It softens the blow. But honestly? When you say it matters more than the sandwich technique.
Don’t try to offer constructive criticism when a child is hungry, tired, or already in a mood. It is a waste of breath. Wait until the dust has settled. Whether it’s your own child or a foster child finding their feet, pick your moments. If they are calm, they might actually hear you rather than just reacting to your tone of voice.
Getting children to be okay with criticism is a long game. There will be tantrums. There will be crossed arms and pouting. That’s fine. Keep it light, keep it supportive, and focus on the fix rather than the failure. Eventually, the penny drops. They realise you aren’t trying to be mean; you are just helping them grow.
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